Peerless Television Service and Repair

No Refunds

    FROM THE BOTTOM DRAWER of my desk, I took a page that I had torn from RetroTech, a journal devoted to unearthing ideas that were ahead of their time, some of them ideas of the sort called “crackpot.” I receive RetroTech monthly, thanks to a birthday subscription given to me by Albertine’s mother. She knows what I like. The ads in RetroTech are often targeted at people who need a way to make the technological marvels of yesterday interface with the technological marvels of today.
    “Al,” I said, approaching her in the dining room, where she was reading the Times, “what do you think of this?”
    I held the page toward her. She glanced at it. “What is it?” she asked.
    “It’s a DigiVinyLizer.”
    “My question stands: What is it?”
    “It’s an electronic device.”
    “Is this Torture Albertine Day?”
    “No, my darling. I’m just in a playful mood.”
    “Please just tell me what the damnthingerizer is.”
    “According to the ad,” I said, “it is a device that will, and I quote, ‘digitize all your vinyl records, transfer them to your computer and personal music player, catalog every album and every track, scan the album covers, perform optical character recognition on the liner notes, write a listing for each album so that you can sell it in an online auction, consult a database of collectors to find likely buyers and notify them of the auction by e-mail, and then deposit the proceeds from each sale directly into your checking account, and do it all while you’re sleeping the sleep of the just.’”
    I paused. I thought she might speak. She didn’t.
    “Well?” I prompted. “What do you think?”
    “It’s expensive.”
    “You think it’s expensive?” I said incredulously
    “It’s an expensive toy. That’s what I think.”
    “Forgive me, my darling, but are you sure that you want to call a device that will do everything that the DigiVinyLizer will do and do it all ‘while you’re sleeping the sleep of the just’ an ‘expensive toy’?”
    I offered the page again.
    She gave it another look. She shook her head and handed it back.     She may have pouted a bit.
    “Maybe if you saw it in person—” I suggested.
    “Maybe,” she said doubtfully.
    “They might sell these at Peerless,” I said, as if the thought had just occurred to me.
    “Peerless?” she said.
    “Peerless Television Service and Repair,” I said with a chuckle. “I suppose it’s not the most likely place to find a DigiVinyLizer, but I thought that Peerless might have branched out beyond television. Dropping in there to find out seems like a good idea, don’t you think?”
    “Are you sure you want to know what I think?”
    “Of course I do!”
    She linked her arm through mine and said, “I have a long list of chores to do.”
    “Oh,” I said.
    “Here’s the itinerary,” she said. “Dave’s Deep Discount Warehouse for gin; Peddler Pete’s Emporium for dried fruit, cocktail snacks, pretzels, coffee, chipotle salsa, and pistachios in dark chocolate; the Grapevine for vermouth; Back to the Ranch for produce; and the library for books.”
    “Sounds exhausting,” I said. “Maybe we’ll skip Peerless.”
    “Oh, come on,” she said. “We can finish with a stop at Peerless to ask about the digereedoozie.”
    “It seems like too much trouble. Let’s forget it.”
    “Suppose we go to Peerless first?”
    “Great,” I said. “Let’s do that.”
    “Then we can do the chores and finish with dinner at that little place with all the candles in niches.”
    “It’s a deal,” I said.
    As the car approached Peerless, I began to lose my nerve.
    “Why don’t you stop here?” I said when we were about a block away. “I’ll just walk past and see what I can learn by looking through the window.”
    “I’m very surprised that you’re willing to settle for that.”
    “So am I.”
    She stopped. I got out. I strolled along, assuming the pace and manner of a man with nothing on his mind and no place to go. After I passed Peerless, I went a bit farther, then signaled to Albertine to pick me up.
    “What did you find out?” she asked.
    “Domenic doesn’t give refunds,” I said.