ELLA

You know what I wish?

PETER

Yeah.  I think so.

ELLA

Hm?

PETER

I think I know what you wish.

ELLA

Oh . . . no . . . I mean, yes, I do wish that everything had gone the way I wanted it to go, but right now I wish I could go to Dudley and ask him what to do.  I think he would know.

ELLA (CONT’D.)

But, of course, I can’t . . .

PETER

(a beat, then)

I think I know what he would say.

ELLA

You do?

PETER

Yeah, because he spent a lot of time telling me what I should do.

ELLA

What would he say?

PETER

(in Dudley’s manner)

You want to attract a crowd, do you? Well, there is only one requirement.

PATTI (AS ELLA)

What’s that, Dud?

PETER

(with a Dudley chuckle)

What is it? . . . I think you already know.  Just ask yourself why it is that one man might labor for years to write an elegant treatise on the birth of stars and win only a single admirer, while another can stick a bamboo pole up a dog’s ass, blow the poor cur up like a balloon, delight a crowd that fills the town square, and fill his pockets with their silver.  What is that man’s secret?

PATTI

Talent?

ELLA

(startled, wide-eyed, turning to look at Peter)

Of course! . . . The common touch!

PETER

I wouldn’t have put it quite that . . .

ELLA

You’re right!  The common touch.  Good for you!

(after a moment)

Bert was right.

(after another moment)

Like father, like son.

EXT. ARCINELLA’S SLIP. THE NEXT MORNING. Ella, Patti, Peter, Bert, Raskol, Mr. and Mrs. Lodkochnikov, Sweetie, and Porky White are working feverishly but happily.

ADULT PETER (V. O.)

It took just two days (and some more borrowed money) to get Arcinella out of her elegant clothes and into something more comfortable.   This time, we didn’t work alone.

THIRTY SECONDS OF
"TUTTI FRUTTI"
LITTLE RICHARD

ADULT PETER (V.O., CONT’D.)

Porky White had flyers printed for us . . . at his own expense.

Peter on a streetcorner, handing out flyers.
Sweetie on a streetcorner, handing out flyers.

EXT. ARCINELLA’S SLIP. THE NEXT DAY. MORNING. The crew is getting ready for the first day of business.  Ella is wearing shorts and a sailor’s middy blouse.  Patti is wearing a bright red bathing suit that dips to the dimples above her buttocks in the back, and she looks sensational.

ADULT PETER (V. O., CONT’D.)

The moment we left the dock I knew that we were going to succeed this time.

EXT. BOLOTOMY BAY. EARLY MORNING. Arcinella pulls up to a  clam boat.  Patti shows the clammies a chalkboard menu. 

ADULT PETER (V.O., CONT’D.)

Thanks to the common touch, the enterprise rose like a bubble on a breeze.  

CLAMMY 1

I’ll have the clamdigger’s breakfast.

CLAMMY 2

Me too.

PATTI

(short-order style)

Egg-on-a-roll-with-a-beer . . . twice.

EXT. THAT AFTERNOON. The bay is much more crowded now. The clamdiggers are gone, but there are many pleasure boats.  Ella is busy at the grill, and Patti is handing out hot dogs, hamburgers, and, of course, beer, lots of beer.

ADULT PETER (V. O.)

Every morning we catered to the clammies, and every afternoon we catered to the vacationers.

WITTY VACATIONER

Got any champagne?

PATTI

(going along with the gag)

Nope.  Sorry.  Plenty of beer.

WITTY VACATIONER

Those funny little sandwiches?

ELLA

(abruptly)

Not this trip.

ADULT PETER (V. O.)

For a while, it seemed that we could do no wrong . . . but even a bubble rising on a breeze has its ups and downs.

EXT. BOLOTOMY BAY. ANOTHER DAY. The bay is calm. Our crew is chugging happily along. Little by little, they are enveloped by fog. They can’t see anything but whiteness.  It turns them into children, laughing and giggling . . .

ELLA

(calling into the fog)

Hello-o-o out there.

PATTI

Where arrrrre you?

PETER

I can’t seeee you.

ELLA

It’s so strange . . . and wonderful.

PATTI

It’s like being inside cotton candy.

PETER

However . . . we are in some danger of being run down by a bigger boat. 

ELLA

We don’t have a fog horn!

PETER

(guiltily)

My fault.  I should have . . .

PATTI

(turning the music up)

We don’t need one!

You'll find more swell ideas from Candi Lee here.

Copyright © 2001 by Eric Kraft
Registered with the Writers Guild of America East in 2001 

The screenplay for Inflating a Dog is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, dialogues, settings, and businesses portrayed in it are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. 

All rights reserved. No part of this teleplay may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author. 

The illustration at the top of the page is an adaptation of an illustration by Stewart Rouse that first appeared on the cover of the August 1931 issue of Modern Mechanics and Inventions. The boy at the controls of the aerocycle doesn’t particularly resemble Peter Leroy—except, perhaps, for the smile.